Ramblings-n-Writings

Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

I will praise you; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are your works; and that my soul knows right well. ~Psalm 139:14

Isn’t it amazing how each of us is a unique individual? No two people are exactly alike. Some may look identical (maybe the two little girls growing inside their momma right now?!) or have a similar personality, but each person is still unique. As a result of being unique individuals, we respond to similar situations differently.

One of the biggest areas in my life that I noticed this was divorce and moving on. Every person who walks the road of infidelity and divorce is a unique individual. Each person’s circumstances are different. The stories might sound similar – he had a mistress and left his wife for her – but the individuals involved are unique.

To me, one of the hardest things to deal with wasn’t necessarily the divorce, but the assumption that I was the same as everyone else’s acquaintances and should manage my divorce and healing how those people managed theirs.

We’ve probably all heard the “warning” about not telling a widow or someone else in mourning “I know how you feel” unless we have actually walked in the same shoes and lost a spouse / child / parent. From my perspective, the same is true of divorce and moving on. Here’s some of the phrases I heard from various individuals and what I really wished I could say in response.

• Well, when my sister’s husband left her, she did /didn’t … Guess what? I’m not your sister! I’m me!
• How can you be so sure that your marriage is over? … Well, let’s see … The husband walked out, moved to another state with another woman, and proceeded to tell me a bunch of lies since leaving. Yeah, sounds like it’s over to me.
• How can you even think about dating / remarrying so soon? So-and-so needed a lot of counseling and is just now getting her life back together 2 years later … Sorry, but I’m not waiting just because the “proper” amount of time in your eyes hasn’t passed.
• Are you sure he isn’t a cheater too? (speaking of the guy I was dating) … Um, no one can know for sure and if you think you can, you’re only fooling yourself.
• Why get a divorce? Don’t you have faith that God will restore your marriage? … Absolutely! But it takes two to make it work, and the evidence isn’t there that the other half is willing to make it work. Plus I have complete, undeniable peace from God that this is the step I’m supposed to take.

I’ll admit my responses are somewhat sarcastic. But, honestly, every person is unique. We all handle situations differently. Think about how two people would respond to watching a boating accident happen. One person jumps in the water to rescue whomever he can. The other stands on shore and calls 911. Do we fault either one for how they responded? Likely not.

There’s a new television show (at least I think it’s new) this season. I don’t know the name of the show, but actors / actresses go to public places and “test” people to gauge their responses on serious issues. For example, one episode took place in a restaurant. A young teenage girl was obviously being held against her will by people who weren’t her family members. The TV cameras recorded how the diners reacted as voices were raised, etc. Some did nothing but talk amongst themselves while others took action and tried to remove the girl from the situation. Another episode had a segment of a teenage boy getting beat up for being gay. Most people ignored the fight, but some intervened and rescued him from the bullies. Every person reacts differently to the same situations.

So even if my situation was identical to Suzy Q’s situation, my reaction will be different than hers because I am a unique individual. God made me the way I am. I deal with tragedy and hard times differently than Suzy Q. How is that possible?

Simply, I was reared differently. I was taught differently. I am a unique individual, fearfully and wonderfully in God’s eyes, who followed a unique, God-given path to the point I am at.

God prepared me long before I knew it with how to handle and manage the trials that came my way. Little lessons of heart break along life’s path taught me how to handle the big test of a broken heart. I’m not saying I handled it perfectly because I had learned everything beforehand. Hardly! I had my days of walking on eggshells, becoming a basket case, going through boxes of tissues, and downright anger. But, I knew that in order for life to continue, I had to grieve, allow the grief to heal my heart, and take the first tentative steps forward. One step … having faith … led to another … trusting. Each within God’s perfect timing. I have no doubt.

A couple of days ago, while searching for a recipe, I came across the following handwritten in one of my notebooks. I realized I had never posted it for you to read. Today is an anniversary date for me of a personal tragedy and I chose today to post about having hope because I realize the miracles God chose to bless me with.

When you are in your darkest days, it is hard to have hope.

We tend to ask ourselves questions like … Will things really get better? Will I continue to fail at ___? When will change come? Is there really hope that I can move on?

Webster tells us that hope is “what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to feel that something desired may happen; to continue to hope although the outlook does not warrant it.”

In my mind, hope walks hand-in-hand with faith. We can have hope that things will change in the future, and we need faith to keep that hope alive. Let’s dissect what hope is…

What is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best - Hope is believing. When my ex-husband walked out, it was soooo hard to believe things would get better. I could only see the darkness and what I had lost. I feared losing my home, the possibility of becoming a mom disappeared, and I thought I had to change job professions to survive. I didn’t have this kind of hope because I couldn’t see how my husband leaving could turn out for the best.

To look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence – The part of hope that rang true to me was looking forward to how things could work out. I wanted to see how God would mold me. How would the trying of my faith work out patience? Through the tears, heartache, and refiner’s fire, I knew in the end something good would be created – either the restoration of my marriage or the healing of my heart.

To feel that something desired may happen – Those first days were dark. Admitting to friends that my marriage might be over was humbling. One evening on Facebook, I started chatting with a friend in Colorado. We chatted about life’s events, and I honestly don’t remember much that was said except for one line that she shared. She said, “It may not seem like it now but this could be the catalyst for something more extraordinary than you can even imagine.” Wow! Her statement gave me hope!

To continue to hope although the outlook does not warrant it – Who doesn’t want to believe that things will get better? My friend’s statement made me start looking for the extraordinary. Deep inside I began hoping for something extraordinary. Some very tiny, seemingly insignificant events started occurring. The outlook for my life in general was still bleak. I had faith that God would bring me through the trial because that’s what He promised, but my outlook wasn’t the greatest. I started each day hoping it would be better than the one before. Slowly my heart was healed and today I am living what is even more extraordinary than I could imagine.

What is my extraordinary? Today, I am very happily remarried to the most amazing, loving man who is everything I dreamed of. My work is what I choose it to be – no 9 to 5 job. And the most special blessing of all … against some very strong odds, and only through God’s amazing grace, we are expecting two little bundles of baby joy in early 2011. Praise the God of miracles who gives hope in life’s darkest hours!

On September 4, 2009, I shared the following words with my online friends …

Four years and almost 1 month to the day after I stood before God and pledged my life to my husband, I woke up to find him gone. For good. Not coming back. Ever. That happened in early July. Since then I’ve grieved, learned to deal with the pain of rejection, went to my first divorce hearing, found out how amazing and gracious God really is, and discovered I have some of the best friends in the world.

Today marks the one year anniversary of that day when my former husband walked out of my life permanently. My perspective last year at this time was one of grief and my world crumbling down around me. Tears poured from my broken heart.  The tunnel was really dark and seemingly had no light at the end.

Little did I know how dramatically my life would change within a year. I am truly amazed at how much God has done and how He has healed my heart.

Today my ex and I are casual friends. We’ve been divorced for over 8 months, and are both in committed relationships with other people. (While growing up I was taught that divorce is bad and is not an option in a marriage, yet I’m here today to say that I am incredibly thankful for my divorce. In a way, it was a relief and allowed me to finally emerge from that dark tunnel.)

My heart truly rejoices as I look back and see how God orchestrated the events of my life to bring me to where I am today.

He provided work exactly when I needed it, and in fact I am continuing to do work that I love. Initially my biggest fear was that I’d have to get an office job somewhere to make ends meet and give up the passions in my life. Not at all. I did work part-time for a couple of places, but there was always enough money for my needs and I had complete control of my own schedule. Only God could’ve done that!

God has also given me someone that I know I will spend the rest of my life with without a doubt. When I think in reflection, I’m often reminded of the Rascal Flatts song “Bless the Broken Road.” While my road has been broken and rough, I wouldn’t change a thing that has brought me to where I am and who I am today.

I do want to say a very deep heartfelt “thank you” to those of you who walked portions of my broken road with me. You know who you are and I will forever cherish you as true friends.

I’m not a big fan of daytime talk shows, but the last few minutes of Dr. Phil’s show today caught my attention. I turned the television on ready to scan the channels for something to listen to in the background while I made dinner. What Dr. Phil was saying stopped me dead in my tracks. I grabbed a pencil and used envelope to scribble it down. This isn’t verbatim, but close …

If you have been cheated on, it was not your fault. If your spouse cheats on you, they make that decision. It is the spouse’s fault through immaturity, lack of impulse control. It is not your fault.

Just over three months ago, I shared that I was walking through uncharted waters and dealing with a divorce. One of the things that I’m grateful for is that I never felt like my ex-husband’s actions were my fault. I’m not saying I was completely innocent, but he made the choices.

He decided to pursue the other woman, even after I knew about her. He’s the one that chose to leave his family’s farm and move to another state with her. I was here. I was waiting. He made the choice.

One of the things that helped me was when it became obvious that he was headed down a different road, he told me that none of it was my fault. He bore the responsibility for his choices. And during a couple of conversations after he left, he repeated to me that it was not my fault.

While it saddens me that he recognized what he was doing and didn’t attempt to change it, I’m grateful that he reinforced to me that his actions, not mine, were causing the problem. Again, I’m not saying I was 100% innocent, but like Dr. Phil said, the spouse who cheats makes that decision. It is his fault.

If you are walking the same road I’ve been on – knowing (for 8 long months) that your spouse is cheating, watching your marriage fall apart, or dealing with a divorce – don’t let Satan attack you and destroy your self esteem. You are better than that. You are better than the spouse that cheated. Relationships can get ugly with finger pointing and name calling, but remember that as long as you are remaining faithful to your marriage vows, you are strong and what is happening is not your fault. Remember to listen to the Voice of Truth.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I know I need to make some decisions about my work, but I can’t seem to figure out an answer.

Over two years ago, I started Skala Creative LLC to generate some extra income for my family. Since the work is freelance, it’s always been a sporadic income. Now with the husband gone, I need a more dependable, consistent income.

Besides my freelance business, I’ve been selling advertising for Two Lane Livin’ (you can read more about that job here). And in late August, I started working 3 hours a day in a small, home-based internet business office. With this office job, I keep gas in the car, purchase necessities, and pay for about 50% of my bills.

I’ve also continued tutoring for Tutor.com, but I’m usually so drained by the evening that it’s hard for me to put in the hours I need.

Right now I feel like I’m a gerbil running in one of those wheels that never goes anywhere. I wonder how much longer I’ll have the energy to keep doing these 4 jobs and if I’ll be able to make ends meet. At this point, I’m still not able to make ends meet entirely, mainly because of my mortgage payment. So here are the options I’m looking at. Give me your opinion …

A. Close up my freelance business and concentrate on tutoring. Tutoring is a reliable, decent income, but during school holiday times, it’s not enough to sustain me. In other words, December and January income will be noticeably lower than other months. The summer months are even lower than December and January. And the majority of this work is in the evening which makes it hard to have a social life.

B. Keep my freelance business, stop tutoring, and potentially give up the office job once I generate more freelance income. This is the option I’m leaning towards but I don’t know how feasible it is. I need the income now, but it may be months before I start generating enough from the freelance work to allow me to stop tutoring. However, I need to stop tutoring so I have the time needed to build the freelance business. Does that make sense? LOL

C. Give up all the little jobs and find a 40-hour / week office job somewhere. The problem with this is 90% of the possibilities for this work would require a 100+ mile round trip each day. By the time gas costs and travel time are deducted from my income, I wouldn’t be too much better off than what I am now staying close to home. And with winter coming, I’d prefer to stay closer to home.

I’m really thinking option B is my favorite choice, but option C makes the most sense as the solution right now. So, would you pray with me that …

1. I’ll know which option to work towards

2. If option C is the best choice, that something local would open up so that I wouldn’t have to drive far for work.

3. And that I’d keep my sanity through all this. LOL Seriously, I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions trying to balance 4 jobs, car shopping, divorce stuff, and the regular everyday things of life.

I know I don’t say this very often, but thank you for stopping by and reading my little blog. I know my blogging has suffered over the past months, and some of you have hung on as faithful readers. If you’re reading this, leave me a comment so I know who is still out there!