Ramblings-n-Writings

Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

At the end of 2008, I posted my goals for 2009. Now that 2009 is over, which is incredibly hard to believe, I want to reflect on how I did.

Here’s my original goals…

• I want to strengthen my business.
• I want to organize.
• I want to write my novel!

I followed up during the year with two other posts … Am I Meeting Goals? and Reflecting on Goals. Those posts will give you a little more insight into my plans.

So how did I do?

My business is producing an income, especially now that I’m able to invest more time and money into it. I have definitely seen the benefits of social media and online networking. I had a period of time where I wasn’t able to put as much time into twitter and blogging as I would like, and I can see how it has affected my business. (Note to self: goal for 2010 = consistently blog and tweet) I am completely self-sufficient on my business income starting 2010 – something I never would have imagined.

Organization is going to be a lifetime goal because I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point I want. The paper piles will forever invade my space. But it’s getting easier to toss that irrelevant piece of paper that I think I might need, especially after it has sat in the same spot for weeks and weeks. Yep, definitely needed to save that paper. Ha!

And then the final goal: writing my novel. God definitely had other plans in that area. I no longer have a desire or plan to write a novel, unless God places it on my heart. I do, however, intend to write about the life lessons I learned in 2009.

I had no idea on June 29 when I wrote Reflecting on Goals and included Psalm 119:165 …

Great peace have they which love thy law:
and nothing shall offend them.

how true that verse would become within a matter of days. God showed Himself so faithful in 2009, and I can’t wait to see what He’s going to do in 2010!

As far as goals for 2010 … still working on those!

I’m not a big fan of daytime talk shows, but the last few minutes of Dr. Phil’s show today caught my attention. I turned the television on ready to scan the channels for something to listen to in the background while I made dinner. What Dr. Phil was saying stopped me dead in my tracks. I grabbed a pencil and used envelope to scribble it down. This isn’t verbatim, but close …

If you have been cheated on, it was not your fault. If your spouse cheats on you, they make that decision. It is the spouse’s fault through immaturity, lack of impulse control. It is not your fault.

Just over three months ago, I shared that I was walking through uncharted waters and dealing with a divorce. One of the things that I’m grateful for is that I never felt like my ex-husband’s actions were my fault. I’m not saying I was completely innocent, but he made the choices.

He decided to pursue the other woman, even after I knew about her. He’s the one that chose to leave his family’s farm and move to another state with her. I was here. I was waiting. He made the choice.

One of the things that helped me was when it became obvious that he was headed down a different road, he told me that none of it was my fault. He bore the responsibility for his choices. And during a couple of conversations after he left, he repeated to me that it was not my fault.

While it saddens me that he recognized what he was doing and didn’t attempt to change it, I’m grateful that he reinforced to me that his actions, not mine, were causing the problem. Again, I’m not saying I was 100% innocent, but like Dr. Phil said, the spouse who cheats makes that decision. It is his fault.

If you are walking the same road I’ve been on – knowing (for 8 long months) that your spouse is cheating, watching your marriage fall apart, or dealing with a divorce – don’t let Satan attack you and destroy your self esteem. You are better than that. You are better than the spouse that cheated. Relationships can get ugly with finger pointing and name calling, but remember that as long as you are remaining faithful to your marriage vows, you are strong and what is happening is not your fault. Remember to listen to the Voice of Truth.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I know I need to make some decisions about my work, but I can’t seem to figure out an answer.

Over two years ago, I started Skala Creative LLC to generate some extra income for my family. Since the work is freelance, it’s always been a sporadic income. Now with the husband gone, I need a more dependable, consistent income.

Besides my freelance business, I’ve been selling advertising for Two Lane Livin’ (you can read more about that job here). And in late August, I started working 3 hours a day in a small, home-based internet business office. With this office job, I keep gas in the car, purchase necessities, and pay for about 50% of my bills.

I’ve also continued tutoring for Tutor.com, but I’m usually so drained by the evening that it’s hard for me to put in the hours I need.

Right now I feel like I’m a gerbil running in one of those wheels that never goes anywhere. I wonder how much longer I’ll have the energy to keep doing these 4 jobs and if I’ll be able to make ends meet. At this point, I’m still not able to make ends meet entirely, mainly because of my mortgage payment. So here are the options I’m looking at. Give me your opinion …

A. Close up my freelance business and concentrate on tutoring. Tutoring is a reliable, decent income, but during school holiday times, it’s not enough to sustain me. In other words, December and January income will be noticeably lower than other months. The summer months are even lower than December and January. And the majority of this work is in the evening which makes it hard to have a social life.

B. Keep my freelance business, stop tutoring, and potentially give up the office job once I generate more freelance income. This is the option I’m leaning towards but I don’t know how feasible it is. I need the income now, but it may be months before I start generating enough from the freelance work to allow me to stop tutoring. However, I need to stop tutoring so I have the time needed to build the freelance business. Does that make sense? LOL

C. Give up all the little jobs and find a 40-hour / week office job somewhere. The problem with this is 90% of the possibilities for this work would require a 100+ mile round trip each day. By the time gas costs and travel time are deducted from my income, I wouldn’t be too much better off than what I am now staying close to home. And with winter coming, I’d prefer to stay closer to home.

I’m really thinking option B is my favorite choice, but option C makes the most sense as the solution right now. So, would you pray with me that …

1. I’ll know which option to work towards

2. If option C is the best choice, that something local would open up so that I wouldn’t have to drive far for work.

3. And that I’d keep my sanity through all this. LOL Seriously, I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions trying to balance 4 jobs, car shopping, divorce stuff, and the regular everyday things of life.

I know I don’t say this very often, but thank you for stopping by and reading my little blog. I know my blogging has suffered over the past months, and some of you have hung on as faithful readers. If you’re reading this, leave me a comment so I know who is still out there!

I know it’s been forever since I wrote something other than a book review! I’ve been spending a lot of time ducking the curveballs that life keeps throwing at me. About a month ago, I mentioned the first curveball – divorce.

Well, the second curveball happened on September 15 in the form of a car accident that totaled my car. My little 1999 Ford Escort was hit / side-swiped by a Dodge Durango. Needless to say, my driver’s side doors didn’t fair very well against the Durango. Thankfully, I was in much better shape than my car and only had an itty-bitty cut on my leg from the shattered glass. (Seriously, I’ve had worse scratches from my cats!)

Through this accident, I’ve been so blessed by my friends. One friend is letting me borrow his car during the week since he works out of town from Monday-Saturday. Another friend went with me to check out a used car – I can drive ‘em, but I don’t know what’s under the hood! And other friends are calling me with information on cars for sale.

But all of that stuff – checking out cars, calling owners, test driving, etc. – is soooo time consuming. Just when I think I’m going to have a couple of hours to do something, another used car pops up and off I go to look at that one.

Even though I gripe occasionally about having to find another car, I really believe my car accident was a blessing in disguise. Within the week before the accident, I was asking God how I was going to afford to replace my car. The car was getting to the point that I was going to have to put some money into it or find a different one. I was starting to stress about it simply because the whole husband leaving situation left me with only a few pennies, nothing that I could afford a different vehicle with or even major repairs.

Then the accident happened. I almost did a happy Snoopy dance when the insurance adjuster told me that I’d get clean retail value for my car, which was over twice the amount I would’ve received if I had sold it or traded it in prior to the accident!

And, if you are wondering if guardian angels still exist, I’m here today as a testament that they do. I believe with all my heart that angels were using every ounce of their strength to protect me the evening of the car accident. You see, the accident happened on a curve at the top of a hill, and I was on the side of the road that had the drop-off. A couple of days after the accident, I drove past the same spot, and my heart stopped. I could feel my heart lodged in my throat as I calculated how much space I had had on the road shoulder. My passenger side front tire was just a mere inch or two from going over the edge. (In case you’re wondering, West Virginia doesn’t really believe in guard rails.) If God’s angels were off duty that evening, my car with me in it would’ve rolled 75-100 feet or so down the steep hill and landed in a creek. Praise the Lord that He knows when the sparrow falls!

I’ve spent a lot of time recently considering how much of my personal story I wanted to share online. Some of you know the bombshell that dropped in my life two months ago. Others, who aren’t familiar with my story, are probably wondering if I was ever going to write something other than a book review. I believe the time is now.

As I contemplate what to say and how to say it, two things are running through my head. First, I want what I write to be a blessing and encouragement to others in the same situation. Second, over the past year, maybe longer, I spent a lot of time praying and asking God to give me a book to write. I always thought it would be a historical fiction book. I’ve even tried my hand at it. Now I realize I have a much greater story to tell, and it probably won’t be fiction……

Four years and almost 1 month to the day after I stood before God and pledged my life to my husband, I woke up to find him gone. For good. Not coming back. Ever. That happened in early July. Since then I’ve grieved, learned to deal with the pain of rejection, went to my first divorce hearing, found out how amazing and gracious God really is, and discovered I have some of the best friends in the world.

Will you join with me as I tell you my story? For those who have walked this same road, I’d love to hear your personal stories – how God created beauty from the ashes in your life. Leave me a comment or if you don’t want to talk publicly, send me an email.