Ramblings-n-Writings

I wanted to share the words to an old hymn with you today. I know I don’t have the words perfect, but the message is still there….

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because He lives, I know who holds the future.
Life is worth living just because He lives.

I heard this hymn tonight for the first time in many years (hence, the reason why the words aren’t perfect), and I was reminded of the simple beauty of its words. It’s because of God, that we are what we are. Our faith in God molds us into who we are and will be. He makes life worth living for us.

I’m not one to express the inner-workings of my heart to just anyone, but I feel the need to share the following hoping it will help someone or encourage someone walking through a valley today.

During the past 21 months as the storms of life raged around my husband and I, it was easy to lose faith. It was easy to yell “Why, God?” Many times I sat on our bed and sobbed from the frustrations, the lack of hope, the feeling of inadequacy and so much more. I know I never lost my faith that God would see us through, but I often wondered how much more we could bear.

Twenty-one months ago, the income we had from my husband’s worker’s compensation stopped. He was physically unable to return to work, so the burden to provide our income fell squarely on my lap. Four months later, a doctor finally pin-pointed the source of my husband’s extreme pain, a condition called RSD. (RSD has no cure and the medical help is minimal with little chance of relief – talk about a discouraging diagnosis, but at least it was a diagnosis after 2 years of not knowing.) Later that same month, I found out I had been struggling for years with an underactive thyroid. Medication helps, but I’m still battling symptoms today.

Scattered throughout the months were doctors’ visits for both of us, multiple ER visits for my hubby, various medication adjustments, and seemingly one thing after another. Almost weekly we conversed with our compensation attorney trying to make progress. (I felt like our legal assistant should’ve been invited for Thanksgiving dinner because I’d spent so much time talking with her! In fact, I’m eager to meet her in February and finally put a face to the voice.) Then there were the normal life problems like flat tires, leaky roof, failed brake line, family issues, low bank accounts, cracked car windshield and other mundane problems – things most people can take in stride but to us were almost the fly that broke the camel’s back.

Then 10 months ago, I quit my full-time job. Even though our future literally relied on my employment, I felt peace about quitting. I can’t explain how or why, but I knew it was time. Within a week, I had an offer for a job interview and seriously pursued that position for about 3 months. Eventually I turned the position down, thinking that I must have hit my head somewhere because I was turning down a $50K job. But, God knows best because within a few weeks I was applying for a job that would allow me to stay at home and would give me flexible hours to accommodate our schedule. The 6 months from when I quit my full-time job until I began working at home were, quite frankly, scary. If you asked how we made it, I don’t know the answer, other than the money was there when we needed it – God provided.

At the same time, we were also going through the process of applying for Social Security Disability. Not an easy process and discouraging when you get the first rejection letter, the second rejection, and, in our case, a temporary hold at the final stage for more evidence.

Do I believe that God helped us through and will continue to help us? I do. All it takes is faith as small as a mustard seed, and at times, I know that is all the faith I have. I live each day like any person, but know that because God lives and is in control, everything will work out. It may not be to my liking, but in the end I will see it as best. As the trials pile on top of each other, it is easy to look at the pile rather than at God who is standing under the pile carrying it for us.

Are our battles over? Not at all. We’ve only crossed a bridge with the awarding of SSD, but we can look back and see from our vantage point how things worked together. We have a long road still ahead of us dealing with compensation, creating its own set of frustrations and disappointments. The RSD will never go away – the best we can hope for is that it will go into remission or a treatment will actually work, but after 4 different types of treatments, it doesn’t look promising. Will my hubby’s knee ever be fixed? We can hope, but at some point, possibly now, the damage will be irreversible.

All I need is the knowledge that God will provide, God works in His timing and not mine, God will do what is best for us, God will not give us more than we can bear, and because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

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